Happy 2010!

Happy New Year my fellow IFers! I hope it’s a really, really good one for you.

I haven’t posted for a while because, well, because why bother? Things were crappy. Things go slowly when you’re not happy. But then one morning over Christmas holidays I woke up next to the husband and realized that I Am Happy. Really, truly happy. I turned my head on the pillow and looked over at him, peacefully sleeping, and I felt totally content in every cell of my body.

When I was actually pregnant, I read a bit about fetal development. Prior to this, I had been a bit of an existentialist and an atheist. I still am but I feel myself moving from a cynical place to someplace more hopeful. Human existence, in my opinion, is a complete random incident. (And here come my politics, folks! Brace yourselves!) Did you know that all of fetal development depends on the fetus itself? It divides its own cells; it creates the placenta; it is like a parasite. Your body is just the host. Sure, an important one, but it basically confirms for me 1: the randomness of our existence; and 2: the fact that someday when humans have wiped themselves out, there will be more life on the planet, developing the same way life has always developed since primordial times. And so I find myself more hopeful… not that I will actually have a baby someday, but somehow comforted by the thought that life itself will continue to evolve despite my own personal predicaments.

This doesn’t change the fact that I believe life has no meaning except the one that each of us ascribe to it. There is the base human level, where each one of us tries to overcome biological imperative and deal with our own genetic wants and needs; and the philosophical level where we decide for ourselves what life means, what our life means, and how we want to express our beliefs to the world. Some people may find my whole viewpoint extremely cynical, but to me it does not feel cynical at all. It is purely scientific. It’s fact. And I find that choosing to accept that fact is remarkably freeing. Will I have a baby? Who knows? What will I do with my life if I don’t? Not sure yet, but believe me, it will have meaning to me, to the people around me who impact my existence and hopefully make some small impact on the beliefs and tenets I hold dear. It’s freeing, though, to think that you could do anything and it is okay.

If there is one resolution I’d like to make this year, it’s that I enjoy the moment. That I breathe it in, savour it and exhale slowly. That I act with consideration. This is completely against my nature of course! But I’m going to try.

What are your resolutions? If you don’t have any, I think that’s great too!