Today I am freaking out. I woke up feeling completely… normal. As in, not pregnant.

Two days ago I had faint needle-like cramps all day (similar to what I get pre-period) and today my breasts are definitely not hurting as they have been for weeks now. This has happened to me in the past, after IVF cycles, where I wake up one day and just know with absolute certainty that the embryo did not stick. I hope this is not the same thing. I am not allowing myself to think that I am no longer pregnant. I cannot think that, but I am worried. I decided to do another hCG test to know for sure. I cannot handle this anxiety. Unfortunately, that decision made me even more anxious as I ended up having to cancel an important meeting, which is now postponed until the new year and I cannot tell you how bad that timing is. I will now be without direction with my project for three weeks and I am the type of A personality that has trouble handling that. But, I just had to have this test done. I need an answer!

Scouring all the websites I could find and re-reading the What to Expect book, I am not really sure what I should be feeling after all. The book says that you can feel some of the symptoms some of the time (i.e. not consistently) and that they can change depending on where you are with your pregnancy. The OB’s nurse told me a few days ago that as long as there’s no bleeding I’m okay. On the other hand, I am taking crap loads of progesterone so that will actually prevent any bleeding from occurring in the first place. At least that’s how it worked with regular IVF. Sometimes I feel like my breast tenderness wanes… then I take estrogen again and off it goes. So I have no idea what to make of all this and am impatiently waiting for the results.

I’m sure that I’m sounding like a completely neurotic idiot right now but I can’t help it. I have never been neurotic in my life. Detail-oriented, yes. Extremely sensitive to my body, naturally. Especially after all that IVF… you get to know yourself quite intimately, don’t you? I hope I don’t feel like this the whole pregnancy. (I hope I have a 40-week pregnancy.)