A haiku

December 14, 2009

the world continues apace

we stand frozen

dreams slip away

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Oh  my gosh! I’m wandering the aisles of the local pharmacy looking for various mundane items when I see a young woman with her newborn in a stroller. How adorable. I just love babies; their puffiness, their new-baby smell; their innocence. And all of a sudden, I start bawling. I am weeping like I’ve never wept before, not even at my grandfather’s funeral (whom I loved dearly). I just cannot believe this. I literally have to put down my basket and walk out of the store and sit in my car. I am so embarrassed. And shocked.

I just don’t get it. I’ve never been emotional about not being able to conceive; either it happens or it doesn’t. When we started with the new clinic, the doctor asked how badly we wanted children. (I wasn’t sure the reason for this question; any ideas?) I said I could take it or leave it. And now, months later, here I am crying my eyes out.

The only explanation for this is that I am jacked up on hormones well beyond my body’s (and brain’s) level of tolerance. This can be the only answer. I never feel this emotional when I’m not doing an IVF cycle. In fact, now that I think about it, I am quite irrational while on these drugs. My moods swing violently, I am unpredictable; in fact, I hate myself like this! Thank goodness the husband understands perfectly otherwise he’d think he was living with a psychopath. This leads me to thinking what other side effects these hormones may have.

It occurs to me, not for the first time, that neither the first fertility doctor nor the second ever explained the pros and cons of the drugs. They simply announce that I will take Clomid or Gonal F or Puregon or whatever without telling me what the research is. There seems never to be an option to do IVF without drugs, for instance. I mean, you only need one egg to stick, right? So why do we have to produce as many as possible? Or, why not give the patient a choice to produce fewer eggs vs tons of eggs? I normally produce around 16… I’d happily produce just half if there the benefits to that course of action are explained, perhaps quality of eggs or less drug side effects. But no one, not once, discusses this with me and being the uninformed patient that I am, I just blindly follow their every word of advice. And I’m still not pregnant. This is a big regret for me.

By the way, the bottom line to my doctor’s question is this: “If you want a baby, you’ll get a baby at the end of this process, whatever happens, whether it’s through IVF or another avenue.” (Yeah, after we spend $50,000 just trying!)

 

So I’m back to the present thinking I’ll update you all on the actual donor egg cycle. We just received the contract and now things seem very real. I have been taking the BCP for a week or so and am on schedule to start Lupron next week. Taking the BCP is not a big deal at all but I think once I start injections, it will really sink in.

Once we chose our donor, we basically have heard nothing else about her. It’s kind of a weird feeling. I am finding that I want to know everything about her … more than all the stats we combed through in her dossier. Maybe this is due to the fact that it’s not my eggs this time. There is no comfort in that, except the possibility that I just might end up pregnant because the donor is so young. The very thought of this end result is affecting me in strange ways: I am more interested in my friends that are parents and their decisions about family, schools, child care, housing, etc. I am rethinking how and where I live. I am not making any major long term plans to do things like scuba-dive (by now I’d have a winter dive trip planned). And the odd thing is, I am okay with not being truly prepared in any physical sense (home, etc) for a kid, but sort of anticipating it.

Not gone… just away

October 7, 2009

Hey Ladies & Gents!

I haven’t abandoned my blog… I am just away on business and haven’t had time to post anything truly thoughtful. Being away from this blog makes me even more grateful that I have found a community and I am enjoying the conversation with you all, even though sometimes it feels like I’m incredibly self-absorbed, posting my (in)fertility journey.

Now here is something that I can say, given my experience this week. I’m away from home and my usual routine; having a terribly busy work week; plus a time zone change, which just kills me. And I have not felt badly or angry or cynical about infertility all week. Does extreme busy-ness dull all of that? Could it be that, when people suggest you bury yourself in your work (to “forget about” something, or to stop focusing on your grief or predicament), that their prescription actually works? I would suggest that one does not forget about one’s issues, but that it is possible to redirect one’s focus. That being said, does one just plod along or does one face the issue head-on in order to “deal” with it?