So happy we could cry

December 1, 2009

I don’t even know how to begin this post because I am having a hard time being happy when I feel the pain of so many of you. So it’s with a bittersweet sentiment that I post that we got a positive result yesterday. (Although how positive, we don’t know because the darn lab hadn’t done the beta hCG! What is up with these people!??) I am cautiously optimistic as we have yet to check that the hCG is doubling at the rate it should. We’ll know more at the end of the week when I do more bloodwork.

The odd thing was that due to the fact that I chose not to use a local fertility clinic (bad mistake; if I do this again, I’ll sign up with one instead of relying on my family doctor whose office is definitely not set up to handle the demands of an IVF cycle), I had to use independent labs. I used the husband’s hospital lab so the results went to his office first. I was “robbed” of getting to tell him the news; instead, he called me. It was quite strange as I’d always imagined I’d be the one telling him.

Frankly, I was stunned. I sat down in my comfy leather chair and literally just stared ahead not seeing anything. I was excited but felt keenly that I did not know how to handle theĀ  news as I’d only ever heard bad news in the past. It was surreal.

I was moved beyond tears when the husband came home, hugged me tightly and rocked me with his sobs. It was the culmination of six and a half years of trying unsuccessfully — IUI, IVF, surrogate and now DE — to have what he most wants. It was relief and disbelief and happiness and fear that it might yet all go wrong. The feeling of, can we really be happy?

I will keep you all posted and am sending out positive vibes to each and every one of you. On the flip side, if anyone is considering DE, do think about it some more. It really could be your path to mommyhood.

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