From TTC to DE: Alert! Hormones make you weepy

November 12, 2009

Oh  my gosh! I’m wandering the aisles of the local pharmacy looking for various mundane items when I see a young woman with her newborn in a stroller. How adorable. I just love babies; their puffiness, their new-baby smell; their innocence. And all of a sudden, I start bawling. I am weeping like I’ve never wept before, not even at my grandfather’s funeral (whom I loved dearly). I just cannot believe this. I literally have to put down my basket and walk out of the store and sit in my car. I am so embarrassed. And shocked.

I just don’t get it. I’ve never been emotional about not being able to conceive; either it happens or it doesn’t. When we started with the new clinic, the doctor asked how badly we wanted children. (I wasn’t sure the reason for this question; any ideas?) I said I could take it or leave it. And now, months later, here I am crying my eyes out.

The only explanation for this is that I am jacked up on hormones well beyond my body’s (and brain’s) level of tolerance. This can be the only answer. I never feel this emotional when I’m not doing an IVF cycle. In fact, now that I think about it, I am quite irrational while on these drugs. My moods swing violently, I am unpredictable; in fact, I hate myself like this! Thank goodness the husband understands perfectly otherwise he’d think he was living with a psychopath. This leads me to thinking what other side effects these hormones may have.

It occurs to me, not for the first time, that neither the first fertility doctor nor the second ever explained the pros and cons of the drugs. They simply announce that I will take Clomid or Gonal F or Puregon or whatever without telling me what the research is. There seems never to be an option to do IVF without drugs, for instance. I mean, you only need one egg to stick, right? So why do we have to produce as many as possible? Or, why not give the patient a choice to produce fewer eggs vs tons of eggs? I normally produce around 16… I’d happily produce just half if there the benefits to that course of action are explained, perhaps quality of eggs or less drug side effects. But no one, not once, discusses this with me and being the uninformed patient that I am, I just blindly follow their every word of advice. And I’m still not pregnant. This is a big regret for me.

By the way, the bottom line to my doctor’s question is this: “If you want a baby, you’ll get a baby at the end of this process, whatever happens, whether it’s through IVF or another avenue.” (Yeah, after we spend $50,000 just trying!)



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