Time to start the roller coaster again

September 21, 2009

Gotta strap myself in. Steel my emotions the same way I brace myself against the safety bars of a roller coaster. This morning we had our final consult with the DE doctor, followed by an email from the coordinator with our schedule. I am not looking forward to this. To the end result, yes. The process, no. I’ve been paralyzed with trepidation and bracing myself well in advance, for a negative outcome. But it doesn’t matter how much I try to remain calm or positive (ha!). Our past experiences shape our expectations.

I’m not sure how some people have a sunny attitude. I’d really like to know their secret. Although I’m not sure I could replicate it. I think most people are more fatalist about it: if it happens, great; if not, it’s not meant to be. I try to live by a maxim my Dad taught me a long time ago, which is: If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me. I love that! But it doesn’t help in situations that are out of our control. And it certainly doesn’t help where fickle biology is involved. Top it all off with past grief that rears its ugly head when you least expect it (anyone burst out crying in a grocery store aisle when faced with an adorable 5-year-old with her mommy?) and you’ve got a great big mess on your hands.

I still can’t really fathom that I’m doing this…. I haven’t even thought about telling/not telling the child and other important questions! I’ve been putting that off and waiting to see if I actually will need to to consider these issues. I wonder how other couples have handled this?

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3 Responses to “Time to start the roller coaster again”

  1. Jem Says:

    Congratulations on taking the plunge! We’re right here to cheer you on!

  2. Cara Says:

    I know exactly how you feel. We just met with the coordinator and made the decision yesterday to use DE. We selected a donor and found out today that she has accepted. After several IUI’s and two failed IVF’s I am unsure how to feel. I NEVER thought it would come to this and if it did I NEVER thought I would agree to it and actually use a DE. My emotions are mixed and I have such fears but I am realzing life is complicated and not always like we plan. Good Luck to you!


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